Tag Archives: Buddhism

I have no clue what I want to do in life and I’m happy about it

I’m currently in a period of immense doubt about my future and about my life. this isn’t something I’ve ever experienced before, and I’m so glad that I am going through it.

Throughout university I have always been sure about what I want to do with my life and how I wanted it to play out. It certainly wasn’t always the same path but I believed it with full conviction. After a year of university I wanted to do medicine, and I was 100% sure that this was the right path for me and I would definitely do it, then after a year of planning my life as a doctor, I decided medicine wasn’t going to be for me and I would do a PhD instead; for a year, I was set on doing a PhD. In my final year I continually changed from wanting to be a medical doctor, and getting a PhD, with increasing frequency. I decided to sit the GAMSAT (medical entry test) in early 2020 but not put too much emphasis on it, I got a respectable mark and conveniently forgot to apply for entry. I told myself this didn’t matter as I was going to undertake a PhD at that point, so I signed up for a year of honours to introduce myself to research.

After my final year, full of placement and research I was no closer to knowing what I wanted to do, but vehemently told people that I was going to do a PhD if I was asked. This must have given me comfort, sounding like I knew what it was I wanted to do with my life. I was lucky enough to finish my pkacement early, in mid december, giving me 2 months before I started honours to figure my life out. In this period I vowed to not fill my time with work or other commitment, rather have it as a period of contemplation. And boy, contemplate I did. I spent at least 20mins every day meditating (sometimes up to an hour) and wrote every day. I feel as though my turmoil was displayed pretty well in my writing, I was always writing about careers, finance or productivity as these were all the things on my mind.

During this time I spent a lot of time with friends, as well as learning how to surf which I am so grateful I did. I began honours quite apprehensive, something I’ve never experienced before in a situation like this. I realised I did not know why I was doing it. Over my time contemplating, I realised I don’t know what it is I want to do with my life, but by reaching high earlier (ie. choosing medicine or a PhD) it meant I worked as hard as possible to allow myself to be afforded the choice when crunch time came. I believe very high goals are the best thing you can do for yourself in a period of doubt, because it is much easier to elect to take an easier path down the track when you’ve been aiming for something harder than it is the other way around. Although this isn’t without cost.

I realised I had spent so much of my time at university being focussed on my academics that I did not spend a huge amount of time with my friends, I wasn’t the most social person, and I believe my social skills deteriorated because of it. Now, I don’t mean to say I was a hermit, I still socialised, just not as much as I would have liked when reflecting back on it.

Now, I’m in a position where I have absolutely no clue what I’m going to do next year, and I love it. I love it because I think I’m moving beyond the typical social script of ‘do well at university, get a good job and earn lots of money’. One of my biggest fears is committing to a path I don’t truly enjoy, and thats the path I believe I was on. Maybe I do want to do a PhD or medicine, but maybe I don’t. I’ve stopped saying I know my path and I’m just going to enjoy it and see where it takes me. I’m focussing on the things that matter, my health and fitness, my family and friends and just developing more as a person, rather than as a student. I never thought I’d be so happy to be so lost.

PS. I have been reading a lot of books which helped me come to this realisation, this may be of interest to some people so here they are:

Range: How Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World – David Epstein: the most successful people are not those who work the hardest and specialise, but those who diversify, are curious and have broad interests and passions, as they allow your thinking to be flexible and not rigid.

Buddhism without Beliefs – David Batchelor: A great book describing buddhist beliefs without the religious aspect behind it, a great introduction to a different way of seeing the world

Ego is the Enemy – Ryan Holiday: A great book detailing all the ways our ego will be our downfall, and how to reduce it’s negative effects

Mindfulness, Buddhism and Happiness

“While those enlightened will most likely still encounter unpleasantness and pain, such experiences cause them no misery. A person who does not crave cannot suffer.”

Yuval Noah Harari – Sapiens

I’m very late to the party but decided to finally read Sapiens by Yuval Noah Harari, it’s definitely lived up to expectations. Whilst I enjoy the history in the book, I love the way that Harari reflects on what has happened, drawing comparisons to our lives today. There are many aspects of the book I could talk about but one which was surprisingly enthralling was a chapter on religion and specifically “The Law of Nature.” in this section the main topic was buddhism which was something I knew of but did not understand. Here’s my summary of this fascinating section of the book.

People pursure wealth and power, aquire possessions and build houses and palaces, although, nobody is ever content. Everyone is constantly in the pursuit of more; more money, fame, land, nobody is every satisfied. Harari says “Life is a pointless rat race. But how to escape it?” where he begins to introduce buddhist philosophy.

Everybody seems to suffer, but “suffering is not caused by ill fortune, by social injustice, or by divine whims. Rather, suffering is caused by the behaviour patterns of one’s own mind.”

The story goes that Guatama, the person who became known as Buddha had an insight which shows that “no matter what the mind experiences, it usually reacts with craving, and craving always involves dissatisfaction.” These cravings may not seem obvious but I can see how they are ever present in our lives, when we experience something uncomfortable, we crave it to go away, when we experience something pleasant, we crave it to stay, thus, no matter what emotions we feel, we are always in a state of tension, as Harari puts it “the mind is always dissatisfied and restless.” This is the feeling of always having things flying around your head: ideas, worries, random thoughts, the feeling of your mind being clouded.

The route out of this state of unrest is proposed to understand that things simply are as they are, and if you accept that, there is no craving, thus, no suffering. The part which got me hooked was the following lines

“If you experience sadness without craving that the sadness go away, you continue to feel sadness but you do not suffer from it. There can actually be richness in the sadness. If you experience joy without craving that the joy linger and intensify, you continue to feel joy without losing your peace of mind”

This really resonated with me because I do very much feel as though we should all experience the full range of emotions and a lack of any one can be harmful, but there becomes a point where the worry or ‘craving’ for the emotions to come or go can also be harmful. This notion of being able to experiencing your emotions and not wishing for them to stay or go longer than they will is fascinating to me and what I think we should all strive for.

Its clearly not easy to get to this point of observing your emotions and being at peace with them but the buddhist belief is that meditation is the path out of craving. I have been meditating on and off for a while now and have noticed myself not getting swept up in my mind as much as I have in the past; stopping to notice whats actually going on in the world rather than what I’m creating in my mind.

There are many different types of meditation but I have been doing mindfulness meditation which has permeated western society more than any other. All this entails is sitting down and focussing on the breath, or other sensation. I’ve been using Sam Harris’ ‘Waking Up’ app which has been amazing in guiding and teaching me about meditation.

Follow this link for a free month trial of the Waking Up app.