I’m currently in a period of immense doubt about my future and about my life. this isn’t something I’ve ever experienced before, and I’m so glad that I am going through it.
Throughout university I have always been sure about what I want to do with my life and how I wanted it to play out. It certainly wasn’t always the same path but I believed it with full conviction. After a year of university I wanted to do medicine, and I was 100% sure that this was the right path for me and I would definitely do it, then after a year of planning my life as a doctor, I decided medicine wasn’t going to be for me and I would do a PhD instead; for a year, I was set on doing a PhD. In my final year I continually changed from wanting to be a medical doctor, and getting a PhD, with increasing frequency. I decided to sit the GAMSAT (medical entry test) in early 2020 but not put too much emphasis on it, I got a respectable mark and conveniently forgot to apply for entry. I told myself this didn’t matter as I was going to undertake a PhD at that point, so I signed up for a year of honours to introduce myself to research.
After my final year, full of placement and research I was no closer to knowing what I wanted to do, but vehemently told people that I was going to do a PhD if I was asked. This must have given me comfort, sounding like I knew what it was I wanted to do with my life. I was lucky enough to finish my pkacement early, in mid december, giving me 2 months before I started honours to figure my life out. In this period I vowed to not fill my time with work or other commitment, rather have it as a period of contemplation. And boy, contemplate I did. I spent at least 20mins every day meditating (sometimes up to an hour) and wrote every day. I feel as though my turmoil was displayed pretty well in my writing, I was always writing about careers, finance or productivity as these were all the things on my mind.
During this time I spent a lot of time with friends, as well as learning how to surf which I am so grateful I did. I began honours quite apprehensive, something I’ve never experienced before in a situation like this. I realised I did not know why I was doing it. Over my time contemplating, I realised I don’t know what it is I want to do with my life, but by reaching high earlier (ie. choosing medicine or a PhD) it meant I worked as hard as possible to allow myself to be afforded the choice when crunch time came. I believe very high goals are the best thing you can do for yourself in a period of doubt, because it is much easier to elect to take an easier path down the track when you’ve been aiming for something harder than it is the other way around. Although this isn’t without cost.
I realised I had spent so much of my time at university being focussed on my academics that I did not spend a huge amount of time with my friends, I wasn’t the most social person, and I believe my social skills deteriorated because of it. Now, I don’t mean to say I was a hermit, I still socialised, just not as much as I would have liked when reflecting back on it.
Now, I’m in a position where I have absolutely no clue what I’m going to do next year, and I love it. I love it because I think I’m moving beyond the typical social script of ‘do well at university, get a good job and earn lots of money’. One of my biggest fears is committing to a path I don’t truly enjoy, and thats the path I believe I was on. Maybe I do want to do a PhD or medicine, but maybe I don’t. I’ve stopped saying I know my path and I’m just going to enjoy it and see where it takes me. I’m focussing on the things that matter, my health and fitness, my family and friends and just developing more as a person, rather than as a student. I never thought I’d be so happy to be so lost.
PS. I have been reading a lot of books which helped me come to this realisation, this may be of interest to some people so here they are:
Range: How Generalists Triumph in a Specialized World – David Epstein: the most successful people are not those who work the hardest and specialise, but those who diversify, are curious and have broad interests and passions, as they allow your thinking to be flexible and not rigid.
Buddhism without Beliefs – David Batchelor: A great book describing buddhist beliefs without the religious aspect behind it, a great introduction to a different way of seeing the world
Ego is the Enemy – Ryan Holiday: A great book detailing all the ways our ego will be our downfall, and how to reduce it’s negative effects
Harrison Hansford 